Fifth Annual Horrible College-Student Poetry Competition

The Crack Young Staff is holding its annual Horrible College-Student Poetry Contest - always a hoot.

Despite all our differences—black and white; young and old; Obama-supporting and sane—one thing binds us together: We all despise college students. And rightfully so, we must add. After all, is anything more annoying than the appalling illiteracy of these self-indulgent, lazy proto-drunkards? We, the crack young staff of “The Hatemonger’s Quarterly,” collectively think not.

But there is one way you can get back at these obnoxious upper-middle-class acquaintance rapists. You can tease them ceaselessly by composing your own execrable verse in the style of inept collegiate balladry. That is to say, dear reader, you can write a poem in the pathetic manner of today’s self-important college student.

Comments

[jharp]

"We all despise college students."

Nice. Really top notch thinking.

[WAHOO WILLIE]

"Nice. Really top notch thinking."

Harpie, you're kinda humorless, aren't you? It's a lampoon dude, nobody really despises college students.........Unless it's landlords.

[Fred Beloit]

Here is my entry. I have an unfair advantage. I used to be editor of my university's lit magazine. (Misspellings in this case are intentional, as requested by the contest.)

The Glory That Was Rome

Those toppled towers of Illium
Arrogant arabisques of the vaultingly verdant
Time has trimmed you down to the tottering tree tops.

In my time I to toppled
Dottering in the delirium of disillusion.
Yes, just as I pondered Pretty Polly’s demise
Among olive groves so green and darkly kind.
With there unguent oils along Roman vias.

So then like the end of a symphony
Stretched out to unbearable lengthenings,
Is this the time that came when your barbarity
Cast the first stone to destruction?
Is it to late to scale the extensive heights of
Your unloved diplomacy and ways of warlike rage?

Repent, repent you Professors of war so brutal
And so…bestial.

[IslamoLlama]

"-- Harpie, you're kinda humorless, aren't you? It's a lampoon dude, nobody really despises college students --"

See, I thought you were going to end that with "college drop-outs", but that would probably be one of those self-burns.

[WAHOO WILLIE]

"but that would probably be one of those self-burns."

Not nice or correct at all.