Hartpence's Open Letter To Giuliani

Gary Warren Hart born Gary Warren Hartpence

translated loosely from the Huffington Post:

Dear Mayor Giuliani:

Since you have based your presidential campaign almost exclusively on your reaction to terrorist attacks, and since you have recently accused Democrats of being on the defense against terrorism and therefore guilty of inviting more terrorism, I have two questions for you:

1. Where were you when I was terrorized into changing my name because, well, Hartpence sounds like a guy with a case of teh Gay and my consultants told me a man with a Gay sounding last name didn't have a prayer of getting elected President in America in the eighties?

2. Where were you when I was terrorized by the press for scoring a primo piece of young ass on the sly? Okay, I sort of goaded them into it, much like appeasement minded Democrats are just begging for us to get hit with another 9/11, but that's besides the point. Did the media stop to ask if maybe I was simply compensating for, you know, the whole Gay-sounding last name thing? No, they certainly did not.

And, while were on the subject, how is it that an aging nearly bald headed old fart like you gets to walk around in the open with a totally hot youngish-looking trophy wife and still have a shot at the presidency, when I was relegated to counting and courting sheep in Colorado for a little Monkey Business on the side?

Dammit, man, it just isn't fair. Look at what Bill Clinton achieved! Eight years in the White House and all he had to show for it was one plain looking intern with a Haagen Daaz fetish? Have you any idea what kind of poot I could have scored if only I had won?

You think you know something about terrorism, buddy? Let me tell ya, until you spend half the night scouring every nook and cranny of your Washington Hotel suite because the last bimbo you had in can't find her thong underwear and your wife's on her way into town, you don't know jack shit about what feeling terrorized means.

So knock off the terrorism talk.

Gary Hart

P.S. You might ask these same questions of George W. Bush because I'm older now and sometimes, well, that Laura Bush has a little something going on, if you know what I mean.

Comments

[Buzzy]

Now that's funny. Thanks

[The Populist]

You're a fucking idiot and an asshole.

[BobInStamford]

Dear Rudy,

Nice job marrying your cousin. The rednecks will love you for it.

Sincerely,

Bob

[samuil leygerman]

I've never been able to understand what it is about these Islamic terrorists that makes the Republicans so terrified of them.

Every time I see some talking GOP head on TV waxing rhapsodic about the "naive Democrats" and their failure to address the "dire threat" of terrorism. . .

. . .well, I remember which Party is out there making sure that working-class Americans don't get health insurance, and which Party has spent the last 10 years gutting environmental standards, dilluting workplace safety laws, and sending our best and bravest young people halfway around the world to risk their lives in a war so ill-advised and ambiguous that even the White House can't come up with an explanation of how and why we got into it in the first place.

Anybody who wants to save American lives should start by funding research into heart disease, cancer, and stroke. . .and by for God sakes giving people health insurance so they can have the same chance at early detection that the rest of us do.

Naive? Liberals? Every time some conservative sneers that liberals are naive for not wanting to empty our treasury tossing bombs around the world, I take three fingers and tick them off, talking to the screen. "Cancer, heart disease, and stroke. That's what's scoming to kill you, you moron, not some imaginary legion of Iranian shoe bombers, and they'll get you, because you're not doing a damn thing to deal with the threat they represent.

And they call us "naive".

[Fred Beloit]

I've never been able to understand what it is about these Islamic terrorists that makes it so hard for the Democrats to believe that they are a threat to our safety and way of life. I am stunned whenever a Dem maintains that everything will be OK if we just pay them off and speak nicely to them. We can live forever if we receive free medical care? Well, it won't be free will it. It will only appear to be free and we will never be able to live forever. Just ask any Canadian. .......But even if we can't live forever we can live a while unless our lives are cut short by a terrorist attack like 9/11 or the attacks against the UK and Spain, which demonstrate to anyone with half a brain that the terrorists have the capability and will to reach us. I'm not a paid propagandist like samuil, but my opinion is we don't need any more socialism in the U.S..... I hate the idea of being a dhimmi as well. I don't want American women relegated to virtual slavery and daily humiliation. I love the New Hampshire motto "Live free or die". Mottos give us something to strive for and give a general idea of our values. What is the Liberal motto? I submit it is "Life before all, if it is free of cost." How's that, sam?

[Fred Beloit]

BTW samuil is also sashal, or al-Sash, as I like to call him. You know using a moniker is a reasonable thing to do under a blog. But using more than one is despicable in my opinion.

[Phoenix]

"Have you any idea what kind of poot I could have scored if only I had won?"

haha.

It's not that the 'satirical' pieces you write are superior bits of 'rapist wit' - it's the reaction of the libs not getting it that's funny!

[templar knight]

That was a "dandy", Dan. Hahaha! I'm still laughing!

[midgetking]

Oh. My. God. Is that Phoenix with Gary Hart?

[Buzzy]

Sammy wrote "well, I remember which Party is out there making sure that working-class Americans don't get health insurance, and which Party has spent the last 10 years gutting environmental standards, diluting workplace safety laws, and sending our best and bravest young people halfway around the world to risk their lives in a war so ill-advised and ambiguous that even the White House can't come up with an explanation of how and why we got into it in the first place."

That would be the Clinton administration wouldn't it. Tossed bombs in Sudan, Iraq, Afghanistan, Somalia and various countries formerly known as Yugoslavia. Bombed a Chinese embassy too (which wasn't exactly a bad thing). Put troops on the ground in all those countries except the Sudan. Hmmmm, did Congress approve of those military excursions? All of them? Talked lots about health care but NEVER came up with a plan. Cut OSHA inspectors in half and started a wave of illegal immigration that has done more harm to workplace safety, wages, and workers rights than any Republican ever has (well GW has continued it). Oh if you're talking about the Bush administration, well we're fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, finally got a Medicare prescription drug plan and some sort of Medicare gap protection (not good enough but better than we had under Clinton).

Sam, you need to put down the crack pipe and really take a look at the reality of things not just what George Soros and Howard Dean tell you.

[Fred Beloit]

Nah, mid, Phoenix is way hotter.

[Phoenix]

Why is some dwarf potentate lusting after a blonde tart and trying to pretend it's me? eew.

[Fred Beloit]

"Der Erlkonig" by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe"...In seinen Armen das Kind var tot."