Continued from here
Statement From Al-Qaida In The Land Of The Two Rivers
Mujihadeen, praise glorious Allah who in his benevolence grants us such abundance of arid lands and the sand that rounds our teeth as we chew the date – we the most grateful council of the resistance have information of much importance.
Administrative:
DO NOT EAT THE BROWN DATES. SPECIFICALLY, THEY ARE NOT SO GOOD. Martyrdon is not the province of the dyspeptic and will never be so. It is sad words we have from our Lions of the Sword in Fallujah who have known flatulence and worse for the days three from eating the brown dates of Ar Ramadi. It is your jihad but consider please not eating these evil dates of brown at your peril. Also, do not feed your camels the brown dates, as even most glorious Allah must nose-crinkle from the fetid pestilence of a thousand too windy camels.
We Unleash the Special Brigade
Much controversy and complaint surrounds, we know, the launching of the Special Brigades as the new iron fist of glorious Allah to smite Satan Bush, his demon soldiers and the Iraqi puppet guard – who we do not fear so much even when we are sleeping. Ha! But launch it we must, as our recruiting of new jihadists is off by some forty-percent from our quota.
So selfish is this thinking by you that address it we must and will.
Next Tuesday starts our fleet of little yellow buses for which to take the new special brigades to the bountiful Bekaa valley for not too advanced training in death and dismemberment. Question some, “But these are mere retards started onto the road to glorious martyrdom for which my life I would sacrifice.” A shame upon you for these sentiments of such selfishness, Mujahadeen. You use your heads as nothing more than turban stands with these thoughts. Think!
When a fine fighter goes to his martyr’s reward, while noble, we also a great sword to hack at the Satan Bush, lose. With the special brigades, what is the loss? They are retards? A thousand retards would we gladly exchange for five or six hundred of you, and perhaps the death of one kafir. Mujahadeen!
This is the two for one sale of jihad and needs be welcomed, we implore, especially by the not so nearly retarded of you, each and all. The retard is our friend in striking fear into the breastplate of the infidel. Welcome and praise your special brothers! Just keep your distance when for martyrdom they have been wired. Initial experiments have had some problems but these we work on, we pledge to you, Mujahadeen.
Administrative – The Triple A Battery Drive - Coppertops Only
Still known to you is our quest for the triple A battery for the cell phone of the honorable cave dwelling Osama bin Laden to empower. You have done much, mujahadeen. Unfortunately, most of these we get have been the double A battery and few if any of the coppertop sort at all. And those generic brands, forget it, they suck, my holy warrior kin - and are not worth your postage. 
Why the Yankee dog in his infinite evil would give the more of the A’s to the smaller battery is a riddle for Allah to understand, so evil is their scheming – and for which it is that we must all the more kill them. They would seek to dump batteries of wrongish size on all of the middle-east were their aggressions to go unchecked, mujahadeen. This we know from the wondrous Koran for it tells us so.
Please, remember, the three A’s we seek and now, for limited time can offer the glorious felt painting of his war lorded-ness Osama bin Laden (pictured), and at a reduced price of $29.95 plus shipping for the mujahadeen who sends the most batteries of the three A’s, only. But no checks, especially those written toward the names on your false American Social Security numbers and no Iraqi dollars – please! We implore you.
Another item, my mujajadeen. These double A batteries sent by you, the brave and noble defenders of Allah and all that is holy - they do fit a walkman the holy council has taken possession of for which to better understand the American swine and so dismantle his evil culture. But CD’s have we none. In it’s wisdom the council has heard of such a thing as “Shakes It.” It is rumored that somehow the American pig derives much strength and resolve from this “Shaking of it” weapon. And we know from overseas reports that the kafir weapon they would call, the “Spear of Britney” is one of these pigs that really “Shakes it.” This we must confirm, mujahadeen.
By Allah and all that is holy, we implore you, mujahadeen - any CD’s of this pathetic American dog known as Britney and most especially either “Baby One More Time,” or “Greatest Hits: My Preogative,” hopefully still encased with cover and one with poster you must forward now and also the batteries of the three A’s, or even two A’s now, immediately - the coppertops only, please.
Without such intelligence we cannot defeat the vile American dog that would infest our great and arid land of Arabia with his soulnessness. We will examine this “Shakes it” thing for ourselves, so to better arm our illustrious warriors, you, the mujahadeen. And while the double A batteries will not qualify you for the discounted painting, nevertheless, have them we must, now, also.
And do not let the struggles you have seen before you discourage the noble heart of you, mujahadeen. Any perception of loss is only that, only perception. You must read the newspaper if you want to know what is really going on, especially the French and American press. They know and publish the truth. Remember, the journalist is our friend.
So it is now that, by Allah, we will ride the backs of the journalists and the retards onto glorious victory against the infidel and we will learn to “Shakes it” even better than these American dogs if that is what it takes to wipe them from our lands, oh glorious mujahadeen. And remember – coppertops, please. Those energizers, they are not almost as good, either.
Allah Akbar! Allah Akbar Allah Akbar!
Ps—If any of you in your travels from victory to victory happen to hear if this Britney is truly ripe with child, please let us know. Such vital intelligence has become rumor at the high council and we beseech you to help us resolve this quandary such as you can. Allah praises you for your indulgence of these urgent matters of state, my mujahadeen.
Comments