Placing a capstone on his prestigious career, soon to be former CBS Anchorman Dan Rather closes things out in style, bagging an interview with Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
Born - September 11, 1965.
Marital Status - Married.
Education - M.D in Ophthalmology (Damascus University, and England).
Rather: Good evening President Asshat. Mind if we jump right into it? I'm about as pressed for time as Michael Kinsley's yams in a Susan Estrich hand shake.
Asshat: Good evening, Dan, of course, whatever you prefer.
Rather: It's been said that it was difficult for you, growing up in the shadows of your Father and older brother Basil, was it?
Asshat: Oh, yes, Dan ... very, very much so. When I was 13 Basil, he nick-named me pimple-nuts. I was just then coming into my manhood, you see. He and my illustrious Father, they would kid, always the kidding ... "Look, they would say. Look, here comes the President Pimple-nuts. This brought me much shame, Dan.
Rather: Fascinating, President Asshat. That must'a hurt like the dickens?
Asshat: Please, Dan, call me Basher. The dickens? No, they did not hurt quite so much. It was more the name calling, as I recall.
Rather: I - I see. But you have gone on to establish yourself as a strong leader within the Arab world, yes? At least, you seem to have good relations with other Arab leaders, and world leaders, too, for that matter. For instance, it's said that you and President Chirac of France have very solid relations. Would you say that's true?
Asshat: Eh! My relations with President Chirac are okay, I suppose. They are not bad. But I have much better relations with leaders of the Arab world. No one has relations quite like powerful Arab men.
Rather: What is it you are saying, Bashar?
Asshat: Nothing really. Simply that my relations with President Chirac, they are ... nice! But I could take them or leave them, really. Though he sends me things all the time. It's really quite flattering. Now, Saddam Hussein, now there is a man with which I had some very good relations. Have you ever had bad relations with an Arab leader, Dan?
Rather: Heh! Well, no, not so much, really, Bashar. Though I have had my share of bad relations with American leaders.
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Asshat: (Laughs) American leaders? What do these men know of good relations, I ask you? Nothing? American men are far too selfish for good relations in my opinion. Though I thought the John Kerry had potential, had he been elected, of course. Such a shame - a tall strapping one he was.
Rather: You mentioned that President Chirac of France "sends you things." What kinds of things, exactly?
Asshat: Oh, I don't know. Airplanes, missiles, sometimes a tank or two - trinkets, mostly. Nothing like the nuclear reactor Saddam would have given me had he not been deposed. That Hitler Bush took care of that dream for me.
Rather: Yes, I can empathize. Bush can muck up your day worse than a cold sore on a hot date!
Asshat: You get the cold sores, Dan?
Rather: Well, um, no, no. It was just an expression.
Asshat: Ah, I see. Good! Anchor man, talk. I get it. Haha. You are a very attractive fellow, Dan Rather. Has another man ever told you that before?
Rather: (blushing) Well, I, er ... um.
Asshat: (Laughing) Come, Dan .. don't be coy. You came to Syria wishing to meet the head of state, yes? Hahaha!
Rather: Basher! Who are all these men? Tell them to let me go. Do you have any idea who I am?? Cameraman - I want this all on tape! Do you hear me ... every last bit of it. Just keep rolling no matter what!
Asshat: Ohh, my dessert flower. On tape? My but you are the kinky one. HaHaHaHaHa!! I like that in a man. Come, Dan. Let me show you how a strong Syrian leader has the good relations, my shy little journalistic dove.
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