My Apologies For The Terrorist Documents

Yesterday, I made some posts of material culled from links related to organizations aligned with Abu Musab al-Zaqawi. One document was purported to be a daily update from Iraq offered by the insurgents terrorists. I should have known better than to trust sites of that nature. A friend has since emailed me the source document and with the help of the babel fish translator, I have attempted to put together a more accurate version of pieces of the document for posting today.

Newly translated version
Iraqi Resistance Report for events of Friday, 25 March 2005
Translated and/or compiled by Uzeem Tobee Qhaar, member editorial board The No Free Arab Voice.
Friday, 25 March 2005.

Al-Anbar Province.

Al-Hadithah.

On this glorious night we for the first time engaged the despotic forces of Satan Bush using the new Russian made night vision goggles smuggled in by our friends in Syria. Unfortunately, in what is sure to be found out as a Jew plot, the Russians, they did not so much tell our Syrian brothers that the little black lens caps to keep out the demon sand were to be removed before battle.

Praise Allah, my brothers, it was a glorious night for we have gained many new martyrs in our illustrious cause. We looked right into the eyes of the American devil, well, we did not quite look into his eyes, as we were unable to see too very much, what with those damnable Russian Jew lens caps on. But still praise be to the troops of Al-Hadithah now all become martyrs.

Except for Mahmoud, who in his darkness wondered into the road and was crushed by an infidel truck hauling chicken parts into Baghdad for the new McDonalds that feeds the swine of America. Such is the evil of our deadly foe. Poor Mahmoud will his virgins never see any more than he saw the chicken parts truck. And still, we claim another great victory.

Administrative Update:

The Resistance Exchange passes to us sad news that very few of our mujahadeen have ordered the special death vest of the holiest martyr with the macramé inset of the glorious one, Osama bin Laden himself stitched to the back. Despite deep discounting and the ability to hold 6 more sticks of the dynamite, blessed Allah, why can we not sell these vests with their wondrous Jordanian tailoring?

Infidels within our midst have suggested that there are those who curse bin Laden for his womanly cave burrowing in the face of great struggle. We must assure you, it is only because of cell phone problems that more we have not heard from his noble-self. As mentioned in our last newsletter – we need all the triple A batteries you can forward – only those with the coppertop, please.

The holy warrior who forwards the most batteries before April will receive a call from Osama himself. This by Allah we promise my muslim brothers.

Ar-Ramadi.

Sad to say but the Ar-Ramadi brigade is still out of action due to the terrible infectious nature of the venerable disease.  Time after time we told you as you trained in the camps of the beautiful Bekaa Valley, you must not consort in relations while on active duty and still you do not listen, mujahadeen. So by Allah’s own hand he brings a pox on the troops of Ar-Ramadi for their selfishness. Your commanders have abstained from consorting in relations for months on end - such is their sacrifice.

The glorious Osama can do nothing but consort with himself in his cave without the cell phone batteries. By all that is holy, have you no shame or restraint, glorious ones? You must say no to consorting until our just cause is won. When victory is ours there will be virgins or peace for the restrained while those fallen to the venerable disease will reap the umbrella needle. This we promise you, muhahadeen.

For the last time, the livestock are ONLY for transport.

Administrative Update:

Your beloved sisters of the Black Burka Brigade announce they must postpone this weeks Friday Night Insurgent Bingo at St Matthews. It seems the infidel are feeling their oats because of Satan Bush’s soldiers and their training of the Iraqi puppet brigades and they have thrown us from the church. The game may have to be postponed indefinitely as the mosques are not so safe.

We will call for extra playing cards for the mujahadeen just as soon as we collect enough triple A batteries. By Allah, this we promise you. Remember, the kind with the coppertops if you have them.

Al-Fallujah.

After repelling the attack of the infidel on Al-Fallujah and throwing Satan Bush’s armies from the city, the Al-Fallujah brigade is now committed to pressing the attack. Yesterday they were to re-group at the corner of Thurthar and Tenth and seek out their next great victory.

Unfortunately, that corner is now scattered over several blocks and many of the brigade were unable to find one another. We will soon forward new street maps of Al-Fallujah, but we must have those batteries. This we promise you, my mujahadeen.

Administrative:

Anyone able to donate money to the family of Suhayb bin Drinkeen should do so as the Holy Council has ruled his family ineligible for the Martyr’s Assistance Program as he missed his assigned objective by nearly two miles.

By all that is holy we implore you, friends do not let friends drive car bombs drunk.

We will forward more news to you as soon as we are able. Send batteries – the coppertops only, we implore you, mujahadeen.

Allah Akbar!

This post also available at Blogger News.

Comments

[DC]

Dan,

Oh gosh. That hurt, I was laughing so. "Please send the copper-tops." ... "Consorting" ... whew.

I sense this could become a series.

[JulieB]

In trouble now, sitting alone in my office laughing hysterically, geez that's funny. So bad, coppertops, indeed.

[Michael]

Damn Dan, You have such good intel, I think cBS might like your assistance....