Krugman Leaves Times For NRO

(or) Invasion of the Headline Snatchers  (image is clickable)

If you're reading this, there may still be hope for mankind, though I doubt it. I know it’s too late for me. Please, just always try to remember - my name is Paul Krugman and I once wrote for the Times.

Unbelievable? Perhaps. Faithful readers the New York Times has long been this nation's leading newspaper; now, I fear just like me, it too will soon be gone. Let me assure you that the facts I am about to report have been researched thoroughly and verified by several anonymous sources and my loyal assistant, Jason Blair. And, as anyone who reads the Times knows, we NEVER get it wrong. Well, ... not usually, anyway.

It began in 1876 with an explosion in the Sagittarius Dwarf Galaxy - light years from earth – though this government will never confirm it, it isn't a secret inside the Beltway.  For the Times part, we simply didn’t trust you with the knowledge until now. Forgive us, we hope it isn't too late.

Undetectable to the human eye and invisible to telescopes of the period, particles began to bombard the Earth. In only ones and twos, at first, yes; but in time, there would be millions. Cast off in the ether, drifting aimlessly, perhaps it was just dumb luck, perhaps fate, I can't be sure - eventually many, ... too many of them landed on Earth. And they were alive!

For years they bred - below the surface, under rocks, in swamps, anywhere an alien lifeform felt welcome and undetectable you could probably find them; unfortunately, noone looked until it was too late.

They began to form large colonies, to meld together in an ever more vicious mass, building themselves into more and more complex and vile organisms that almost resembled man himself. Then, ... one night in 1898 ... a new pseudo- human species emerged from the alien ooze. They may call themselves conservatives now but that wasn’t always the case. And they are bent on world domination, I can prove it – for your sake, please, please read on.

At first they called themselves Gideon’s after a nebulae near their long gone home planet now blown from the sky. For ten years they grew in number slowly as they bred amongst us looking no different from the rest. But breeding wasn't all they did; that would have been too slow to achieve their dastardly goal of world domination.

Drawing upon long remembered technologies from their home they formulated plans, strategies and, ultimately, a means to an evil end for all of mankind. Earth would be theirs and NOTHING would stop them from achieving their objective, or so they thought.

Using powers still hardly known or understood by real human beings they developed an advanced metaphysical technology that gave them the power of transformation. All that was required was that a human being be in contact with this strange force while sleeping - long enough for the transformation to take place. But how? Yes, that was the question that held them back. Sadly, they eventually found an answer.

It took them another ten years, but in 1908 they developed the most diabolical plot mankind has ever known; one we may not be able to reverse – that’s when the Gideon Bible was born.

Oh, they looked innocent enough, sure - walking around in their business suits, traveling from town to town, selling soft goods, shoes and health elixirs. Who would ever suspect THEM? One by one in drawer after drawer in hotel room after hotel room they planted their evil tool. You haven't touched one while you've slept, I hope? Or slept too closely to that seemingly innocuous chest of drawers next to your hotel bed, have you? If you have, it may be too late for you, already. For your sake I pray to progressivism it not be so.

For a time it looked like the battle was over in the 1920's. You don't really believe prohibition came out of nowhere, do you? Ha! People can be so gullible. Yes, they were gaining power and influence one hotel room at a time. If it weren't for the Great Depression and the inability for anyone to check in anywhere, mankind might not have even survived the nineteen-thirties.

Fortunately, aided by the Great Depression, some of the more elite humans started to figure it out. Great men, educated men, men of wealth and position, men like Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who never had to stay in a hotel room because he owned a home everywhere he went, caught onto their dastardly plans and began to fight back.

My faithful readers, I know it sounds crazy, but modern Liberalism was born precisely to combat the evil threat from an alien world we will never really know, or come to understand. And to ignore this now is to doom us all.

Why do you think the modern education system and social programs were born? Are you too dense to even understand it? For your sake, I hope not. Education was the only way for the liberal to combat the evil influence from the dastardly Gideon bible the aliens had unleashed.

Back and forth the forces of enlightenment battled the forces of darkness right under the very eyes of a population so naive the really intelligent among us knew you would never believe it, let alone understand. That’s how it was until the 1980's, and Reagan, who we all know probably slept too close to a bible almost every night.

Just look at the ground we had gained before then, especially in the sixties – welfare, Head start, free-love and Sesame Street, ha ha hahahaha, my we were on a roll. And then came Reagan, sometimes I have to wonder whose side God is really on. But it didn’t end there. Nothing short of total conquest could satiate the conservative’s desire for absolute world control.

Having realized the Liberals had re-grouped and discovered that education, abortion and economic and social engineering could combat them; they went back to their darkened labs. And eventually, the Internet and ultimately nano-technology was born. Don't you get it???

All you have to do is ask yourself, besides cable TV, what is it you find in nearly every hotel room in the US and throughout the world?

That's right! Internet access. And who owns the hotel chains, the Internet and technology companies? Halliburton, that's who!! It's all starting to make sense to you now, isn't it? I know we've let you down, I'm afraid.

We spent all our efforts warning you away from one evil, the Bible, only to discover too late they had begun to use another before we even figured it out.

Today all over the world trillions and trillions of little conservative nano-bots prowl digital airwaves and fiber optic cables, looking, sensing, feeling, seeking out their human prey at the end of the line. Oh, they'll tell you it's just "information." That they only want to "educate" you. But you don't really believe that, do you? And certainly not coming from a conservative. Who have THEY ever educated?

Now, one by one, helpless, unable to figure it out for yourself, you fall asleep or maybe even just sit mesmerized by a computer for too long – and you’re gone. You awaken a conservative with no life left that’s really yours at all. Like robots you’re doomed to a sad new world unable to think anything through for yourself, doing the bidding of your new rich, white alien masters.

Yes, and now I've heard they've even started to abandon the bibles rendering you all the more easily drawn in. My friends, these conservative aliens have a new weapon in their diabolical arsenal. My liberal intelligence sources have informed me they’ve taken to using an altogether more evil menace they recently invented. I’ve heard they’re calling it BLOGS. Now I ask you, could anything with a name like that really have its roots here on our planet earth?

Believe me, I wish I could stay and fight along side you now that you know the truth. But I’m weary my faithful readers. So weary I can hardly type. The Internet is everywhere in our building. To remain pure I’ve stayed awake for three years, two hundred and forty nine days and seventeen hours and, I’m sorry,... but I just can’t go on. I know now, it’s … only a …… matter ………… of time before ……  ..they ……….come for …….. me, ………………………………………………………………. too………………………………………………………… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Comments

[superhawk]

If this keeps up, Krugman will be appearing on one of those E! network shows "Whatever happended to...?"

[Fausta]

Brilliant, as always!