Breaking: Eason Jordan Shot: Pentagon Hit Confirmed

I feel terrible scooping great bloggers like Villainous Company, Ace, Powerline, Wizbang, Malkin, Captain's Quarters and Bill Roggio and Co. at Easongate ... and obviously I'm not trying to rub it in their faces by linking them, as all of the above are doing a spectacular job in covering the Eason affair. But I put too much work into breaking this to have it ignored. Please see links above for breaking news on Easongate as it comes. Thanks.

Also iowahawk has the skinny on the Davos Tape, complete with trandscript and Arsenio Hall. Isn't he dead??

As clueless Pajama Clad Right Wing bloggers continued to type words of hate this evening a brave journalist, Eason Jordan, executive vice president and chief news executive of CNN was struck by three well-timed shots from one if not two single action weapons tonight in CNN's Atlanta studios; the macabre culmination of an ordered "hit" we have now been able to trace to the very highest levels of the United States Military and civilian Government.

Unknown to even many Washington insiders, Jordan had made dangerous and life long enemies within the Pentagon for his often candid and uncomplimentary coverage of the Gulf War and the war in Iraq; as well as the U.S.-led interventions in Haiti, Grenada, Panama, and Somalia. Famed war correspondent and sometimes CNN consultant Peter Arnett happened to be standing nearby as the three fateful shots rang out tonight as Jordan prepared to go on camera.  Veteran journalist Arnett said the sound was unmistakable.

"That was a Mannlicher-Carcano pee-shooter," said Arnett. "I'd know it anywhere after having conducted numerous test demonstrations of the full line of Mannlicher-Carcano weaponry during my investigations of the CIA funded Kennedy assassination." Many may still recall the Mannlicher-Carcano brand name from its connection to Lee Harvey Oswald, CIA fall guy for the assassination of Presidential Kennedy.

With danger looming around every corner, Jordan decided to change up his original plan of holding off on breaking the story until right before the next Presidential election in 2008 in hopes of throwing the election to a Democrat in a tight election, given that so many of the threads of this conspiracy are linked to Conservative politicians. The Pentagon has deployed several resources to "take out" Jordan over the years and the veteran newsman feared his luck may be running out.

For the first time tonight CNN had planned to reveal details including photos that prove the complicity of the Bush administration in this long orchestrated if often ineffectual "hit" on Eason Jordan. The government first tried to get Jordan in Dallas in 1997 as an image entitled the Zabruder photograph, presented here for the first time, reveals. Just outside the Texas School Book Depository in a van parked across the street from the local CNN news bureau, a Chinese assassin, Me Hok Luie OnYou contracted by the Pentagon through a military liaison in Red China waited for the unsuspecting Jordan. Fortunately for Eason sinus trouble prevented him from leaving the bureau at his regular time and he was spared.

Still fearing linkage to the attack, the US Government then turned to the Japanese for a second attempt on Jordan employing the services of seventh degree Snow Pea Ninja, Yomama Shita Pee-sup, hired through a  yakuza band based in Kyoto.  The exploded view of the picture here clearly shows Pee-sup ready to strike from an open window across from CNN's Atlanta Studios just minutes before an alert and totally buff Jane Fonda at the height of her fitness craze used her well-honed step aerobics skills to knock Jordan out of the way of the wadded projectile.

Tonight CNN sources confirm that Government officials high within the Republican ranks, possibly within the White house itself grew tired of the missed opportunities and decided to execute the hit themselves. Undercover Republican, Zell Miller, who our sources say has allegedly has been spying on the DNC for the GOP for years was incredibly given the task of launching the "hit" himself from the podium of the  Republican National Convention. Insiders insist that his now infamous line, "What are they supposed to fight with, spitballs?" was actually a coded message activating an elite hit team in Iraq where Jordan was then stationed on behalf of CNN. But as luck would have it for the seemingly untouchable Jordan, American Sniper Vito "The Big Gob" Genovese failed in as many as two different attempts to make contact with the fast traveling journalist.

Now, unfortunately for Eason Jordan, journalist extraordinaire, it seems his luck finally ran out tonight on one of the very CNN sound stages in Atlanta he had done so much to raise up in the eyes of the liberal media and the world. His make up blotched and running, his trade mark cowlick flattened, three tragic shots found the head of Eason Jordan tonight in Atlanta and it was determined he simply couldn't go on. The studio went dark for the first time in the many years since the upstart network began and all observed a moment of silence as producers scurried to get Gloria, the make up girl on her cell phone to come back and patch up the fallen star.

Jordan is the recipient of numerous honors, including Emmy, Peabody and Cable ACE awards. He has also won the New York Film and TV Festival Award, the National Headliner Award, the DuPont Award, the World Hunger Media Award, the Livingston Award and he Vanguard Award for Young Leadership from the National Cable Television Association. In February 2002, he won the first-ever Charles Weltner Freedom of Information Award.

Also, he is a member of the Council on Foreign Relations, the Emory University Journalism Program Advisory Board and the World Economic Forum's Global Leaders of Tomorrow Program.

He surely will be missed ... by some. Buh Bye Eason, everyone has to get humiliated and GO sometimes!!

Update: For more on this breaking story and solid reporting as the nation mourns, see here. One can only thank God that the Boston Strangler isn't on the prowl, I could almost swear we've been down this Manchurian road before!

Comments

[Cassandra]

Dan, you are mad... this is the funniest thing I've read in weeks. I'm insanely jealous :D

[Cassandra]

Forgive me for Piling On® to your Pile On® (and may Pile On® forgive both of us), but I just can't let this story "die".

Heh...

[Dan]

No Problem. I thought Piling On® was what blogging is supposed to be all about! ; )

[CKC]

Un-stinkin'-believably HILARIOUS!
Cassandra made me come here.
As she put it, it was either that or face the wrath of the Snow Pea International Terrorist(SPIT). [I boldly opted out of using your PC title: Snow Pea Ninja]

[bi-polar (aka: liberal) moment]:
That picture of right wing zealot Zel is damning to him. I happen to remember in the soundbyte that accompanies it, that mean spirited poppy...err..poopy head hurled out some threat about squeezing Easons skull until his pea brain popped out!!

I think your picture is a load of hooey, too! Those 3 spots happened under the stress of his actually being shot at by American troops while Sir Jason was shaving!

Eason-Rather 08'!

[Pile On®]

Excellent reporting Dan....PeeeUlitzer worthy I think.

And it is a nice tag team with VC, so I will overlook the fact that Cass is gravy training your ass.

[Pile On®]

Wait a minute now.....it has just come to my attention that Dan may have been gravy training a post by Cass yesterday.....this gravy is thick and fattening with little clumps in it....sickening.

[Cassandra]

Now see... that's what happens when you ASSume, Mr. On.

Disgusting, really. We're just a one happy family here in the B-list B-Sphere. Like a big, squirming pile o'puppies... c'mon in, make yourself at home. Just try not to step in anything... :)

Actually, Dan's was funnier. But who's counting?

[Dan]

RHAT?? RUT ROH!!! RAVEY RAIN?? Ree???
hehehehehehe ;o

[Preston Taylor Holmes]

Spitballs! this is classic. top notch!