Dear Bass Pro Shops

I knows ya got lots a xperts on yer staff ther so's I wuz hopin ya might be abel ta hep me with mah boy, Deke! I likes ta fish bucketmouths down ta the lake, mostly with shiners as bait. And every time I take Deke, mah son, with me, he gets himself all worked up and jes breaks down to a terrible pout. Happens neer ever time.

Now, I kinda know what's that started it all, guess I better fill ya in a piece so's to see if'n ya can hep. Bout two or so yearz ago, Deke, that's mah boy, me, his Ma and Uncle Josh, we had Uncle Josh's pram down ta the lake. We ain't got none a that fancy fish findin' gear so's it took the better part a' an hour or so to get us set right square over a real nice drop off we'd figure be jest swarmin' with sum nice Bass.

Ol' Uncle Josh and I we was gittin' busy wit da Bass and ever once in awhile we'd tell Ma ta drop in the lectric motor and back us jest a bit to the wind. Well, ma, she must a somehow, I dunno, hit the switch too soon and droped that dang motor a runnin' and she musta kinda got her hair caught in the blade a the big Minn Kota Uncle Josh runs off the back a' his pram . Anyways, that damn 4 horsepower sure must chuck some mud cuz it drugged ma clear over the side and buried her clean down to the bottom a' da lake in the skank weed patch we wuzza fishin off from. Fact is, by the time Uncle Josh and me realizsed what was afoot, it wuz jest plum too late. Ma was gone. But she did look kinda peaseful down there, I havta say that. Sorta lik a big aqariem deal, only, well, kinda like in reverse, somehow. As we had near over a half bucket a shiners left, ol' Josh and I figgered there not bein' much we culda' done, we might az well fish out the string. You know how that is. sides, Ma, well, she was doing purty good as a drag anchor down there holdin us steady to a rising breeze. As ah said, we ain't got none that fancy equipment and postion is everthing in Bass fishin,' as you well know.

Anyways. Now, I don't know if the sun was a workin up in the shallows there where ma lie, but something must a heated her up over the next coupla hours cuz them dang OshyKosh coveralls she always wore tucked into those orange hightop sneakers done went and filled with air, or gas, or sometin what floats. Damned if she didn't float right up and pop feet first and high bouncing round there in the sun like a got-damned bouy top the water. Well, her feets wuz just a floppin this way and then that in the wind and what wit those damned orange shoes I never much liked in the first place, and Uncle Josh, he wuddint much too fond of 'em neither, you understand - well, the site a them damn shoes flippin' round in the wind just sorta got ta better of us, I guest. We started ta cacklin like a coupla roosters trapped in a whore house fulla pheasants and jest couldn't get stopped. I know it don't much seem right funny now. But, well, it jest wuz, then, anyways.

And don't git me rong. Ma wuz a real good women. Gave me seven fine children, at least four which I'm sure's mine, cludin' Deke, mah son, and four a' seven ain't a bad number, least ways not down ta our holler. Don't know bout where youse boys come from. Anyways, Deke, mah Son, he took it kinda hard, I guess. Soons I noticed the boy ta cryin' I grabbed Uncle Josh's bait caster and got ma on the right leg first cast. Jest lucky, I guess, cuz I don't knows much bout bait castin' gear. And though I said it was the right leg, well, coulda been the left cuz she was kinda bobbin' upside down and turned to us. Well, fact is, I guess I'm not sure which leg it was. But I did git 'er. First cast! I swear!

But, now, see, well, thing is, ever time I take Deke, mah Son, down to the lake and he gits alook at that bobber floatin out there on the water top a shiner, well, I guess it reminds him of Ma or sumptin' and he jest ain't takin' ta fishin' much since, least not the way a holler boy shuld at his age. I've switched up colors, even tryd those dang skinny kinda lie on their side tip up fall down bobbers but to not much avale.

I figgered if anyone could help me and Deke, mah Son, get his fishin straightened out, it'd be the Bass Pro Shops. You boys sure seem to know a hole lot bout fishin.

Signed,

nun to boyant

Skunky Holler, TN.

Dear Mr. Boyant,

The Bass Pro Shops does not endorse bait fishing as standard practice for the pursuit of the Largemouth Bass. We have found through significant research that artificial lures produce a significantly higher successful catch and release ratio for one of our nation's finest sport fish. We would strongly encourage you to consider artificial lures as an alternative for your sport fishing needs. To that end, we have enclosed a redeemable coupon for $10 off any future purchase from The Bass Pro Shops as well as a sample copy of our new magazine, Bass Fishing America and one pair of our x-ray polarized sun glasses.

Should you not wish to subscribe to Bass Fishing America you must notify us immediately, otherwise a normal annual subscription at the rate of $32.95 per year will begin in the following month. Thank you for your interest in The Bass Pro Shops. We welcome your patronage.

Bass Pro Shops

ps - We are most sorry for your recent loss. Good Fishing!

Be sure and look in on Rachael Ray Redux for a tasty, trashy recipe, CrankyNeocon, Six Meat Buffet and Vince Aut Morire, for "White Trash Wednesday." My contributuions will be coming up throughout the day and evening.

Comments

[Preston Taylor Holmes]

I take offense at your mischaracterization of fishermen from my state. Take it back forthwith.

[Ron]

Ain't New Jersey a blue state?