or, How I Learned to Play Hockey and Stop Worrying About the Bomb
Dear Inside Hockey,
After almost 25 years, I have decided to break my silence and tell the tale of how I led the 1980 US Olympic Hockey Team to the Gold Medal, clinching the final two games against the Russians, then the Fins while saving the world from nuclear catastrophe. Now, I know most people thought Jim Craig, a kid from my home state by the way, played Goalie. But that wasn't the case.
I had wanted to run for President that year. But Jimmy Carter was in office and, loyal Democrat that I am, I couldn't bring myself to run against him even though the country was going to hell in a hand basket and that hick couldn't get his idiot brother to stop drinkin' and peein' up a storm all over the streets of Plains on Friday nights. Hell, looking back, I think Ms. Lillian was half juiced on Billy Beer most days, too. My job in the Senate doesn't take up much of my time, so I thought, what the hell, I could use a new challenge.
I knew what was right for the country even way back then. And I also knew that that anti-Christ, Reagan was going to win the coming election. Since one of the final games was sure to be against the Russians, the last thing we needed was a US Senator embarrassing them at the Olympics what with that wingnut Reagan sure to piss them off. Heck, if I hadn't of made friends with certain unnamed Russian dignitaries at the games that year, I've no doubt Reagan would have gotten us all nuked. But I'll save that story for a little something I'm working on for the Bullentin of Atomic Scientists. Besides, as a sports nut, you really can't compare saving the world from Mutually Assured Destruction with winning a Gold Medal.
Even then I knew how to reach out and build international alliances. Yep! I just wore a mask, in fact, I wore two. I decided to keep my masks on the whole time and let that young kid from Massachusetts take all the credit. I looked at it as just another secret mission, like the ones I used to do for President Nixon all those years ago in Cambodia. In fact, I even wore a special hat under my two goalie's masks, but that's still another story for another day.

Anyhow, if you look at the tapes back then, you can see that I invented a very special move to win the Gold, one that I sometimes still use today. Whenever an opponent got close to the net, I'd flip up my top mask, I could see better without that one, and then I'd flop on the ice and block the entire net. Some people called it the "flip flop," but, of course that wasn't true. No matter what, I always stayed in one basic position - somewhere right around the front of the goal post. So, whenever anyone said I was flip flopping, I'd say, "Nope. No sir. I have always had only one position when I am playing goal.
I can't begin to tell you how important it was for me to have defeated the Russkies and won that Gold medal against the Fins, even if I couldn't let anyone know it. Now, since I am running for President, I thought I had better level with the American people. I am even including some pictures. I tell you, it is a memory that's seared ..., seared into my mind. And I won't have my background, my patriotism or my ability to be Commander in Chief questioned by ANYONE who hasn't won a Gold Medal in the 1980 Winter Olympics while saving the world from a nuclear disaster. I simply won't stand for it.
In closing, America needs a President who tells them the truth. Oh, and if you get a chance, would you mind hitting the tip jar at www.johnkerry.com. Theresa's running a little late with the allowance this month. Thanks.
Sincerely,
John F. Kerry
Vice President Dick Cheney held at Case Western University. Edwards is reportedly upset with what he said was "shoddy prep work" by some of his closest aides, said the high level campaign official.
