Sen. John Kerry's campaign today announced a sweeping and detailed plan of how a Kerry administration would shake up the Homeland Security Department, make the nation more secure by focusing new resources on defending the homeland and capture Osama Bin laden.
"These are bold and needed changes in areas where President Bush has failed," said a campaign spokesperson. "It will grow the coalition, make efficient use of existing technologies to protect our ports, water supply and intelligence information while assuring every citizen of their ability to survive any confrontation with a terrorist enemy. And it also contains a specific plan to capture Osama Bin laden and bring him to justice."
If elected, a Kerry administration would immediately appoint renowned French Inspector Jacques Clouseau as head of Homeland Security. Clouseau would likely be assisted by Israeli ex-patriot and Anti-Terrorism expert Golan Cipel. Cipel is credited with blowing New Jersey's Homeland Security Department up into the size of a formidable agency. Additional Kerry plans dove tail precisely with his latest campaign and debate rhetoric.
To secure the nation's ports, Kerry would transfer a lethal task force currently deployed upon the island of Taratupa. To guard domestic ports and harbors, Kerry would call upon Lt. Commander 
Quinton McHale and a multi-national task force that includes special forces pro, expert cook and martial arts expert Fuji Kobiaji, as well as Navy SEALS Ensign Charles Parker and Harrison "Tinker" Bell. The group would report directly to naval war hero and strict disciplinarian Capt. Wallace "Old Lead Bottom" Binghamton.
To strengthen communication with our allies and prevent damaging leaks of the nation's most vital intelligence in the fight against global terror, Kerry would immediately move to install a Cone of Silence
in the Oval Office, as well as all Government and Homeland Security offices dealing with top level intelligence issues. "We know they're out there," said the campaign official, "They're watching and they're listening. And the Cone of Silence is a proven method of secure communication. It's a technology the Bush administration has neglected, preferring to give tax breaks to the wealthy instead of investing in homeland defense." The Cone of Silence was developed by Clinton administration appointee former spy chief Maxwell Smart, but was abandoned due to budget cuts under Bush.
To negate a potential strike against the nation's vulnerable water supply, Kerry would implement a national "safe water" program that would outfit every citizen with a portable system to ensure access to a clean water supply in any emergency. The HSPWS, or Homeland Security Personal Water Supply combines cutting edge technology from both the underwater diving and the beverage industry to 
safeguard the hydration of every citizen," the campaign official said. "The Bush administration doesn't believe in science and a Kerry administration will believe in science."
"Bin laden is another story," he said. "That's going to take some time and patience." Kerry plans on 
implementing a unique and creative intelligence initiative for the job of getting solid human intelligence from the mountainous, tribal-dominated area near the Afghan-Pakistani border where Bin Laden is suspected of hiding. After searching high and low, the campaign has located several offspring of equestrian legend Bamboo Harvester, better know by his stage name, Mr. Ed. Plans call for cross breeding Mr. Ed's offspring with breeds appropriate for infiltrating the notorious region. At approximately one year of age, the horses will undergo training in a hybrid program jointly run by Army Special Forces, Navy Seal and American Equestrian Association personnel.
Fitted with electronic transmitters and parachuted into the region, sources indicate they will soon be found and taken in by the various tribal factions most likely to know of Bin Laden's whereabouts due to the strong demand for transportation in the area.
In reaction to questions as to whether Bamboo Harvester aka Mr. Ed could actually speak, aides assured this reporter that Senator Kerry has reviewed every episode of the once famous horse's television program several times and is quite confident that the animal possesses the prerequisite linguistic skills necessary to complete the mission. While concerned that opponents may try to make political hay over the unusual methods of Kerry's plan, our source simply asked, "Do you have any better ideas?
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