Citing increased hostilities across the campaign front and significant losses within key battleground states, the DNC and the Kerry campaign have backed away from their commitment to an all volunteer army in their on going struggle against President Bush.
"We're getting hit hard on all fronts," said one senior Democrat, "and we can't take these kind of losses and survive. I praise our volunteers, but we need more troops. In a combined press release, Kerry and the DNC have ordered all liberal journalists to report immediately to their managing editors for assignment to the front lines of what some are already describing as a "quagmire."
"I've got a Goddamned press room full of conscientious objectors armed with little more than outdated 1972 IBM Selectrics," said one editor at a major daily paper with national circulation. I just hope that John Kerry can sleep at night knowing he may be ordering the last journalist to meet his or her last deadline in a losing cause. This is the wrong campaign in the wrong place at the wrong time. Good young Americans are going to spill a lot of ink before this thing is done. And I sure as hell hope he appreciates the sacrifice ... this time around. If he turns his back on us like he did his other Brothers in Arms in '72, someone's gonna Op-Ed his ass when he isn't looking. You don't full with the power of the press in this town," he said.
Emotions were running high at campaign headquarters as well as through the rank and file. Former presidential candidate Retired General Wesley Clark could not be reached for comment. Aides said he was vacationing in Rwanda. Ted Kennedy, the Senior Senator from Massachusetts said, "It's a good thing Kerry wasn't running my brother John's campaign in 1960. We'd have never been able to steal that election with this loser at the top. I knew John Kennedy and ... and, ah, screw it, someone get me a scotch. I'm staying loaded from now on, I'll be damned if I'm going to listen to four more years of Hillary freakin' this, Hillary freakin' that! Bitch!"
In further developments an anonymous source with the DNC said plans were also on the way to call up the ready reserve, comprised of liberal high school and college-level educators across the country. "They may not be armed with much of anything," said the source, "but they sure do hurl a mean insult supported by an extremely harsh invective once we get 'em cranked up."
Earlier reports from New York of crowds of angry journalists gathering in Times Square, burning press credentials and hurling white out and number two pencils into the street in protest remain unconfirmed. Invoking memories of "Rosie the Riveter," of WWII fame, the candidate's wife, Theresa Heinz Kerry is donating the use of all of her private aircraft to lend air support to the battle and she is calling upon women everywhere to begin making banners which will be towed behind the planes. "Vote for John or you are an idiot scumbag!," was one of many banners her closest aides have suggested.
Reports from journalists on the campaign trail say the candidate is bunkered with top campaign aides working on strategy and wearing what some describe as a very "funny" hat.
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