My Coming Out Post
You go away for a few days through a potentially life changing experience like the recent Derecho that hit Virginia and come back to find out Anderson Cooper is out of the closet. Who knew, or didn't know, I guess? Whatever the case, I did notice the left is making far more of it, than the right.
Okay. Fine. I've had, I don't know, since I was maybe like about 13 years-old, or so, what I've always considered to be sexual impulses that made me feel out of the norm. And, yes, I've acted on them … repeatedly and regularly, whenever I could, anyway. It's not like I got to my age and remained single for no reason. Nudge, … nudge, know what I mean?
That's because my whole life, I've lived and loved to f*ck women. What can I say? I mean, a lot of women!! Not that I'm bragging, mind you. I'm relatively harmless, now, anyway. But in my twenties, I once decorated an entire apartment based upon how every piece of furniture … every single last decoration might get me laid. Those red Japanese silk flowers in the Mauve vase?
I mean, what kind of man buys shit like that, unless he's gay … or he wants to scr*w a lot of women? Because they ate that chit up back in the day, lemme tell ya', especially with the right music via an awesome sound system on the headboard? Maybe playing something by Phil Collins, you know? Just the right combination of masculinity, with a touch of refinement, or something?
I don't know. The Japanese silk flowers were what I thought passed for tasteful, then, anyway. What the hell do I know from decorating? Worked for me! I mean, I've always been to heterosexual what white is to rice, if you know what I mean. Yet, I have still always had these "not normal" feelings.
You know when I was always made to feel the worst, inadequate, the most different, not good enough, or "not okay," somehow?
Pardon the expression, but when the guys got together to go to what they always called "t*tty bars." Weird, huh? It just bothered me. That's when I knew I was different.
I just never got it. Those kind of places just never did and still don't "do" anything for me.
Now, you give me a skinny broad with perky t*ts – or flat-chested, ohhh. Hell, I'll bang the bejesus out of her all night long, if I can. Know what I mean? I love small-breasted women!!! And I'm tired of living a lie because I'm supposed to be a man. T*ts are not everything, guys!!
If people want to judge me, talk about me behind my back … there goes the guy who doesn't like big t*ts. Fine. Go for it. I don't care anymore.
I'm out. I like myself. The fact is, I like small breasts, always have, always will, and I couldn’t be any more happy, comfortable with myself, and proud.
I just never thought anyone really cared all that much, I guess.
very classy… your an ass.
Why is that, you have a direct pathway to God?
BWAHAHA!! Oh Dan!! You are President now of the IBTFC! Itty Bitty…oh you can figure out the rest.
Evident attraction…and gratitude…are powerful aphrodisiacs.
Dan’s just a successful predator (in a good way) who has found a rewarding niche.
I fall for the curve in a woman’s derriere
Kim Novak….
Mmmmm….
Natalie Wood
whew.
Kate Blanchet.
Mmmm….oma… Tasty…
You are not alone, brother. And fake big ones are the worst by far.
Any more than a handful is a waste.
Right said, Dan. A-cups FTW.
jakee, some of us have big hands…
Congratulations on your coming out, Dan. I am well endowed, but I am a married lady anyway so that’s nothing you need to worry about, but I remember back when I was a cute young bartender, and the drunks – I mean the regulars – liked to make boobie jokes, and one of their favorites was that “more than two handfuls is a waste”. So I married a man with big hands.
Oh I see Jake already beat me to the handful comment, oh well, I’m posting mine anyway since I went to all the trouble of typing it.
When do you expect to be doing the talk show circuit so everyone can praise you for your courage in coming out? Has TMZ sent a camera crew to your door yet?
There are precisely two types of breasts: Good breasts, and breasts that aren’t in my hands.
Actually, it is a myth that most men want big boobs. It is pretty even split between small and large. For me after a pretty face, all my favorite parts are below the boobs……….
All I know is I would never want to live in a titty free zone.
I think he’s more of an Ass-man.
Yeah, but what about BROWN rice, Riehl? Huh? They say it’s BETTER for you! So there. Are you some kind of grain racist?
Dan, you da man. Back in the day, I’d have given you a run for your money cuz I loved puncturing the lines and the eff-pads. Great funny post.
All my married friends told me that, if I got married, I’d never have sex again. Didn’t believe them, but they were right! Biggest mistake I ever made!
I’m with you on the boobies. Big titties may be lots of fun on a 20-something gal, but it’s a whole different picture 30 years later. Perky little titties are always perky little titties.
I could have written this! And was ridiculed for liking the itty-bitties. But to a young guy the big boobies just seemed so slutty and bovine. You met a girl with itty-bitties, and she’s usually shy, and she isn’t slutty, and you feel like maybe she hasn’t yet discovered how great sex can be and you can teach her! The sweetest words a girl can say are “That never happened before!” I guess itty-bitties are the look of youth and innocence just blossoming, and big ones are the sign of a big mama who’s been there done that many times. (But we are in the minority and most guys love the DDDDDDDs, so don’t worry if that’s you.)
Congratulations on coming out as a Small Breast man. Now you need to demand that the federal government sponsor an official Small Breast Pride day, to be observed by all federal agencies, just like GLBT Recognition Day.
Glad you got that off your chest Dan.
Small tits with an onion butt works for me. From some movie way back when; an “onion” butt just makes you cry when you gaze upon it.
A bunch of guys from my old stomping grounds. Ken Carlyle and the Cadillac Cowboys. Heck, they may still be singing this somewhere. The Itty Bitty Titties Song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsiOylsLpg4
I saw an X-Files about this once. Weird. Scary.
I love wimmins…and have no ideal. I’ve also somehow learned that love-making with a lady to whom I am committed over years is vastly more fulfilling than using someone for a night or a few.
If you haven’t tried it, you really should.
Bah. You durned perky-lovers make me sick, always drooling over the runway models and cheerleaders like you do. There oughtta be a law…
Big is beautiful, and more than a handful is barely adequate.
But I’m glad you finally came out, Dan, even though you’re batting for the wrong side. Makes you feel good, dunnit? And that’s all that counts.
stupid premise cuz none of these things would make any guy feel “out of the norm”.
So, Chuck, onion is just a synonym for callipygian?
Hey, don’t you guys know that the only sexual proclivity that might remotely be considered a perversion is male heterosexuality?
You are a proto-gay, pre-gay. When breasts are smaller, chests are flatter…
Right Fred but onion is so much easier to spell.
I don’t care who comes out as gay…I’m staying Hetero. I think it’s going to make a comeback.
“Any more than a handful is a waste.”
Actually, in Dan’s case it’s more than a mouthful.
Yeah, it does make me feel better to get it off my chest, Kim. I had been waiting for an invite from Oprah but in the end, just settled for here!!
I’m glad to read Dan was successfully weaned. As another man without a nursing fetish, I applaud his honesty in bucking the fmeinist trap to keep men breast dependent.
That’s just fine. More breasts for the rest of us us!
So, if I don’t quite understand your proclivity, does that make me a flat-chest-ophobe or just a straight up bigot?
Oh joy, the Right’s Bill Maher. We could do without …
Dan, I’m so glad you finally came out! As a B cup myself, it is nice to know there are men out there who, like my husband, appreciate a delicately shaped woman.
Ya Know, when they began to downsize the V8, it was like the desecration of a national shrine, but now you come on here and cast aside our inherent duty, obligation, embrace, hug, hug, er…adherence to the worship of Casaba Melons. You have just put another brick in the wall of the complete collapse of our world as we know it AND its kind of creepy. The fact that you have this bizarre proclivity is bad enough, but the real issue is this whole ritual of outing one’s self. In a society where individual liberty is sacred, (especially the liberty to where a tightly fitting sweater, if ya got ‘em, of course), those of us on the right tend to accept that all people are different and their pursuits of happiness are their own business. Different strokes, right? The problem with the outing ritual is it is usually accompanied by statements like, “I don’t care what others might think”. Which is almost never what they mean. What they usually mean is, “Other people are making me feel uncomfortable to admit certain things about my behavior, but I am going to admit them nonetheless. Through gritted teeth, I will consider this the most courageous act since William Barret Travis wrote “Liberty or Death” from the Alamo, but mostly it is an expression of anger that is cast on everyone and maybe even on myself. I will now set the bar for society so high, so that if a single person in the world does not applaud me, pat me on the back and congratulate my personal fetish as having elevated the spiritual zeitgeist of the planet,…then you all are hate filled Swastiki brandishing Nazis.” So, while you are expecting us all to applaud your new “born again” identity as a flat chest-o-phile, some people are just going to yawn and just because they can’t muster the energy to clap, doesn’t make them members of the Klan. If you want to hang out at fashion shows and ogle the flatties or whatever you people do when you all meet up, go do it, because this is a free country, but don’t interrupt our previously scheduled program to call us subhuman, just because we didn’t waste our lunch hour coming down to Main Street to wave a flag at your parade. I prefer to spend my lunch hour watching CNN. I just love watching that giggly, waifish guy with gray hair that looks like Gloria Vanderbilt who also has small breasts by the way,…not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Anymore than a handful, and you’re risking a sprained tongue!
Sir, my hat’s off to you! I too love women. I love them in all shapes and sizes, as long as they’re not too fat (obese) or too thin (anorexic/bulemic). I love them all. Huge tits, to small tits…I love them all…
..Just the other day, a young lady asked me – “Do you prefer breasts or thighs? I replied – Honestly,..I’ve kinda always been more of an ASS man, myself.
End of Story? The manager advised me that I’m no longer welcome to patronize that particular KFC.
I always thought that the sexiest woman was the one that said “Yes.”
I’m so glad to see that I’m not alone in my love of small titties! I was beginning to get a complex…
I with Dan about the titty bars … never got into them in the least. My thought has always been going to a strip joint is like going to a restaurant and getting to look at all the food but not getting to eat it.
Ok you guys, especially you Dan, need to watch the video of Rodney Carrington’s “Show Them to Me”. It is hilarious. You tube has it and this link may work. It’s about the 5th video down. I’m sure many of you titty guys have seen it, but just in case.
http://www.google.com/search?q=show+them+to+me&hl=en&client=safari&prmd=imvns&source=univ&tbm=vid&tbo=u&sa=X&ei=c5_0T_vcOpOo8QSN-ej3Bg&ved=0CFEQqwQ&biw=320&bih=416
Hope the link works. 5th video down
You made my day. Couldn’t agree more.
Here’s the direct link, Charles. lol NSFW http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1532693624517452720
I’m with ya, Dan … Big boobies simply don’t age as well and it’s all in the derriere for me anyway. “Onion butt” … I love that. I’d actually always heard: “anything more than a MOUTHFUL is a waste.”
Hey, Dan, that reminds me of the time I was followed down the street and suckerpunched by some dirtbag because I prefer small-breasted women.
No, wait – it was actually because I’m gay.
Seriously, this was almost as funny as necrotizing fasciitis. Which makes it one of the funnier pieces you’ve written.
Dan, congratulations on your courage! Angry White Dude also came out as a heterosexual the same day Cooper announced he bites pillows.
http://angrywhitedude.com/2012/07/anderson-cooper-comes-out-admits-hes-a-liberal-gay-albino/
AWD
Small breasts, slender center, and long shapely legs. That’s what I love, and that’s what made me finally settle down. With you all the way, dude.
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Charles | 07/04/2012 at 04:12 PM,
Nice.
Anything more than a mouthful is good to HANDle. I have big hands. About D or DD.
I’m right there with you, man.
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